When Mr Knowles reminded me that it was my turn to write an article I initially panicked. What could I write about? The articles in the newsletter have been stories of communication and learning and community and hedgehogs. Mrs Wright’s one made me laugh so hard I snorted into my tea, my video calls with my mother are also viewing the top of her head or her nostrils! So how then do I compete with this? I must be as good, right? And I realise that I can’t but maybe that is not a bad thing. We are learning at this time, and I am still learning that we cannot always be perfect. Which is ok.

Everyone’s anxiety issues are different. Mine are mostly about terrible things happening to those I love, and being trapped. Elevators I find very hard (stairs are the way forward), taking an assembly or lesson and talking in front of hundreds of people is not a problem. My wife finds the idea of that very weird as she thinks talking in front of people the worst thing in the world but will happily go into work where she risks assault and abuse daily from very scary people (she is a Prison Officer in a big Prison in London, terrifying).

When the lockdown began our baby boy arrived. So suddenly there were two adults, a two year old and a baby all at home. To start with my anxiety ramped up, what were we going to do? How were we going to be affected? Is it ok for Erin to watch 4 hours of Paw Patrol? How do I teach a child younger than 11??? But then I took a breath and remembered not to let the tyranny of “should, ought and must” rule me. Whenever I think I must get this done while Erin is shouting that she is Rocky and I am Ryder (Paw Patrol again I’m afraid) and that we need to rescue mummy from the cushion (don’t ask), I try to rephrase it to a less destructive statement like “it would be good if I could get this done”. This has helped me take a step back so that I can actually function and not have a panic attack about all the things I’m not doing or not doing well enough. 

Panic attacks are not useful or logical, they attack your logic and reason, striking you sometimes at random and sometimes you can feel them build up. There is for me nothing I can do about the former, I have to just try to talk myself down or have someone else do it. The kind that build up I can occasionally head off before I am run over, exercise works well for me (I prefer cycling and yoga but I will go for a run if I have to). Weirdly most art forms don’t help me as I want to get it “right” which is stressful, clay (or playdough right now) is a massive help and probably why I chose it for my degree. Something about being able to create something three dimensional and reform it almost indefinitely (if you look after your materials) is very soothing. Or maybe it is just more physically demanding than paint. Or maybe it is that I can destroy it when I’m finished. 

So what is the point of this wittering? Well I suppose that it is that I want all of my students and everyone to know that worry is ok, not being perfect is ok, we are human, flawed and capable of both good and bad choices. We just need to find ways to get around the blocks in our own heads so that we can try to be better. Success is what you need it to be, sometimes that is just getting your two year old to put on clothes so you can go for a walk rather than watch yet another (insert adjective of choice here) episode of Paw Patrol… 

Not “I should”, 

“I must”, 

“I ought” 

But “it would be good”,

“I would like”

“I would prefer”

Aim for safe, aim for well.